20 years, 11 months, 14 hours, 22 minutes ago

CBC was great and pretty much any trip this summer was great. I find it kinda funny how while I was gone or whenever I am not distracted with all these "plug-ins" of technology that I come up with the real philosophical ideas and questions that I'd like to post/blog about. Whenever I am near my computer or at home I tend to do something else instead.

Well the best part of going out east this year was the great joy of spending time with ALL of my family on my mother's side of the family (even if it was only a little bit a time). I miss the Collins, the Duhaimes, & Nona/Papa sooooooo much; they are awesome. I'm happy that uncle Andy, aunt Val, Abby, and Tim live so nearby because they are always super amazing. But yeah, I'm not going to blog about the whole experience, but it was amazing to simply hug all of them. I'll have to thank them for the incredible hospitality (you would have thought I was royalty)!


So while trying to think of all of the things that popped into my head over the last couple weeks (if not earlier)...I am trying to think about what they were, why they were important, and which ones I do want to share. I believe women was one of the topics...something about the world which was sparked by watching the Olympics...and guess a rant about the world with a flavor of cynicism blended with idealism should be good.

Ah women. You know at one point in my life women were simple (yes. simple.); I could understand what they needed and felt, I was the compassionate understanding romantic that every girl dreams of. But like some awful cliche I realized that maybe I had the right tools for luring, but not catching. Was this problem my fault? Or was it theirs? I used to think it was theirs, but then I thought it was mine. Turns out...it was both of us. I practically placed my sweethearts into a fairy tale and maybe I focused too much on romance than other things and maybe came off as a "player" or something similar; one thing for sure was that I never fully understood Love nor commitment (I had an idea of the latter, definitely more so than most at my age...but not enough). For those I dated in my earlier years it was mostly lack of commitment; usually they seemed "madly in love" with me but then within a few months they got sick of me or whatever and broke it off without knowing really why.

Commitment is something most high schoolers and younger usually can't grasp or master; this is why I think most relationships prior to late teens almost never works out. But anyway, the last couple of ladies that I had my eye on are interesting stories...mostly the first.

One was someone who I had liked for years, but having earlier relationship scars I struggled with the risk of being hurt. After an amazing night of just talking and them falling asleep on my shoulder the moment we shared was nothing shy of beautiful. We shared a few other moments (at least one more all nighter) and we never did anything promiscuous, just enjoyed being together (at least I did, can't fully speak for her). We never even really had to talk to enjoy each others company. I did a lot of hinting and flirting and would get a similar response most of the time...but not always. As time went on, things seemed to start to change; she seemed less and less interested and practically disappeared... I thought maybe we don't have enough in common? But now...looking back on it...I think she was sick of waiting for me to step it up and confess my feelings instead of just hinting. I always felt it wouldn't work out at that time anyway because of space (meant to be ambiguous); however I figured there would be future potential. Anyway...after what seemed to be a silent "no thank you" I figured time to call it quits...it took about a year afterwards to "get over her" in a romantic light, but we're friends now and I love her all the same; sometimes I wish for more, but I've learned to not pursuit something that doesn't want to be caught. She seems very happy in her current life situation and I'm pleased that she has that happiness; I wish the best for her, forever.

The second woman was a good friend of mine for years and once I got over the previously mentioned lady I started to see her as a potential partner (I think being friends makes a great foundation anyway), we started to get closer and while we weren't far along that path at all really I was looking down it. Anyway, shortly after a really nice gesture by her which seemed like a confirmation of my thoughts, she ended up hooking up with someone else and she too is now taken.

I started off thinking girls wanted to be treated like princesses, but then saw what seemed like they'd rather be treated like trophies and crap...but then realized how awfully confused I was and now I just don't know. I suppose it varies (as everyone is different), but my romances have lived true to the "good listener" "comforter" & "friend" of the women I'd liked. I've lived/felt the cliche of "the nice guy finishes last" and it sucks. But I've learned to deal with it and now I'm kind of sick of being the pursuer and would rather do what is more like me anyway...that's be caught. Why should I have to be the one to put myself out on a ledge? I've been there before, I've fallen, it sucks I don't want to do it again...but maybe I have to suck it up and just do it. Maybe my problem is my female preference? I always seem drawn to the shy/quiet girls...so they aren't aggressive enough to put themselves out there...I dunno. I've been looking for a nice, quiet/shy, christian, (brunette usually) gal for a while now...maybe I should look for something else...I dunno...I've made the decision not to worry about it, especially since I haven't even established a career yet. I guess if someone is interested I just hope they'd let me know...Women are confusing, yet simple...just like I am. I live a simple life with simple goals, but my mind is a confusing world of paradoxes.


Anyway, I guess I'll just leave this blog at that and save the more mental contradictions and ramblings for later in the week (the olympics & cynical idealistic stuff). I gotta get ready for school and a bash at my house labor day weekend. I'll be (finally) getting my driver's license thursday and then hanging out with a pal at the pub for the night. I start school in pretty much one week *gasp* I look forward to it.

Yeah, well, I turn 21 tomorrow (oh noes teh adulthood), and the title was how long ago I was born (from when I started the blog). I've lived a pretty sweet life, I'd say easily 9/10; I had family that loved me, a gift of empathy and a laid-back personality, I haven't had to take on much responsibility, I never had to worry about money or basic needs; life is good, God is good.

Thanks for caring/reading. Peace!

Same Old Story

So here I am, I leave in about 6 hours and I have only started packing; however, I did plenty of other things to prep for my trip (such as burning cds), but I have failed to really work on my sermon...I present it in one week....I've given it plenty of thought, but not written any of it down. I basically need to just sit down and put it together. I still have time, but who knows what will or won't happen in the next week.

Anyway, it's the same old story, I procrastinate and knew everyday for the last two weeks that I would wait until it is nearly too late to finish. But this isn't supposed to be another emo kid blog.

I haven't blogged in a while (I've thought of doing it and almost have done it several times this month, but honestly I got distracted by Xbox and XBL friends. I started a blog on women (those I've dated and have been attracted to), but ended up saying screw it and closed the browser...perhaps I'll blog about women when I get back.

I got some sweet music from Bray (who many may know as "my canadian friend" in a similar style that James is "my cousin" ....lol as if they are the only people who qualify as such :P )...ANYWAY, I look forward to listening to it along the way out East. This next week or two are going to be AWESOME! I get to hangout with Nona & Papa/Uncle Bert, Aunt Faye, Tim & Todd (who I all miss dearly), as well as my Uncle George, Aunt Lori, Micah, Chloe, & Levi (who I cannot wait to see), of course CBC (loads of fun), and finally my Grandma/Grandpa which is always a lot of fun.

When I get back it'll be about time that Gamefly (which I joined btw) sends me Unreal Tournament 3 & Too Human, and my 21st birthday will be less than a week away (which means I can legally buy/consume alcohol & I will finally get my license....but I would never think to drink & drive, so don't worry); I'm super excited!

So while I am looking at my t-shirts and deciding if it should be packed or not I am thinking of stuff to update everyone about....

...dunno, but I'm sure I'll have some fun stories, some more conundrums & thought provoking blogs in the coming months.

Wow...it's August already...the summer always speeds by so fast....and while I did some cool things...I could have done more, I'm just a lazy procrastinator....but yeah, it's time to grow up and hopefully say goodbye to the same old stories.

Oh I almost forgot: I did have that movie night, Leah was there but Nicole couldn't make it so Matt Jensen took her place. It was AWESOME. It must happen again!

I've got to finish packing and get to bed now...hopefully I will mature some and get some damn self-discipline.

*raises glass* here's to the new year!

Summer Fun (June)

Well between getting my xbox back and church related activities I've been too busy to blog. I wanted to post up a blog half a week ago, but got swept away in all the xbox fun and whatnot. Today I started packing for Grove City and cleaning up the mess I've already created...again...in my room. Tarah borrowed my 360 for the day so I ended up taking a boredom nap for like 5-6 hours...lol does that still qualify for a nap?

Tomorrow should be awesome though; I plan on hanging out with Leah and Nicole (friends from church) and watching some movies throughout the night. We'll be ordering pizza and watching...well...I don't know exactly; I think it will be sorta like bring a movie or two that you really like and others haven't really seen yet. It should be fun.

In the videogame world I reached my 90% completionist goal :) and I got Bioshock back :) I have been enjoying the many games, but there are a few titles that I still need to complete (someday :P ) I'm thinking about getting a gamefly or similar gaming plan. It's pretty pricey, but if developers keep releasing a couple RPGs a year then It should be worth it (I find that I don't have the time to give RPGs more than one or two playthrough now-a-days). The ability to try out games that I'm iffy about will be amazing...so I just need to find a place to sign up at.

I saw James + Lauren (ROCK!) and we had a blast, with Lisa too, and it was awesome as always. I managed a couple pictures from us just hanging out which are on my myspace. I miss you guys and can't wait for october when you move back to Chi-land! :D lol...chi-land...I'm a tool lol

Speaking of myspace pictures, I tossed up my pictures from SPC and I would've had more but my camera died mid-week. I had an amazing time at SPC this year, soooo many blessings. The weather was phenomenal and the campers were just...wow words can't describe how awesome they were. I had a fairly easy week myself: only 4 guy campers vs 19 female campers and so it was like 1 on 1 or 1 on 2 for me/the guys most of the time; meanwhile the girls had 1 on 3 or 1 on 4 most of the time (so I felt guilty that I had an easy week). It was a great blessing as always. :) I probably won't be able to help out the next couple years though since I'll probably be doing summer classes and working.

I'm excited about Grove City next week and taking it easy for the next month. I still need to work on my Sermon for CBC and some other stuff...so I've got to work on that as well.

Anyway, I'm off to do a mix of packing/preparing for my GC trip on friday and playing xbox now.

Peace.

Meh - Bored

Yeah...so...things have been boring as of late.

All I have done in the last week is move, clean, and organize (apart from a day spent with friends). I haven't felt this bored in a long time. I do various activities for maybe 20 minutes and then get sick of them. I can only watch so much TV (which I am beginning to loathe again), read so many forums, or whatever.

It's funny because I'm at a point where I have so much free time, but all the stuff I want to do, I can't. 360 is broken, I have no license or money, and things just aren't working well. I wanted to play videogames for most of May before I had stuff to do this summer, well now they overlap.

An obvious solution would be to do all of my work now during my freetime, but when it comes down to it I'm just sick of it...maybe dealing with it is something I've just gotta learn to deal with, I'm not sure.

When I look at my options to spend my time I could: find a book to read, finish cleaning/organizing my stuff (which I do, but with very little effort and it is spread across long gaps of time), work on my sermonette for CBC, think about Special Person's Camp, exercise for once in my life, or whatever...but I don't do any of those things; for the most part I don't like doing any of those things, but i know I need to do them or work on them.

Maybe my apathy and agitation is coming from all the crap I had to do within the last week, maybe it's the fact that it's now becoming 80 degrees outside now (uggh...stupid summer), maybe I'm just a lazy & worthless bum...I don't know, perhaps all of the above. I have no real stress. It isn't really a lot of junk. I have it relatively easy right now, but I just can't do anything.

Bah! I'm such an emo kid...lame.

Anyway, on the positive, my sister is moved out and her new place is nice. I'm fairly content with what I have accomplished and where I think that I'm going in life; I managed 2 A's & 2 B's this semester and even though next semester will be at least 150% harder I hope to do just as well (if not better). All my commitments this summer make me proud of my giving and compassionate character; it shows to myself that I am growing up and becoming more responsible.

I can sleep in, party, and do nothing most of the time without worries...which is nice. I've been listening to some music while typing this and it reminded me that I want the Alchemy Index Vol: 3+4 (Earth + Wind) album by Thrice.

Well I'll probably go mess around with my closet and find some junk I never use to give to good will (I already found plenty of clothes I don't want). I look at all of my crap that I've acquired over the years and I realize that most of it is just gifts or free junk that I truly didn't want or fads/phases-related junk. The only things that I think are good for keeping were all my action figures + stuff (Playmobiles & Legos and whatnot)...but I no longer need them, they have been replaced by videogames.



Anyway, this blog is more than long and pointless, so in a Seth-like fashion I'll attempt to make a summary and end up turning it into a mini-rambling:

I'm bored as crap and sick of doing physical labor (including organizing/cleaning), I miss my 360, I'm being an emo kid and need to suck it up since I really don't have it bad AT ALL, I have too much junk that I don't need or want, I need to focus on God a little more than I am currently, and I honestly miss James & Lauren tremendously! I'm glad I'll get to see them in a couple weeks....although they should move back to Illinois ;) *wink-wink* !

But yeah, thanks to everyone that reads/cares and leaves comments (even if they are carrot-ridden and pointless). I love you all and thanks for the support. I'm off to either look through my Bible, organize some crap, and/or eat.

...I talk to much...

Catching up/reflections

Well it has been a while since I've blogged. A lot has happened...well not really. Finals are done with...grades should be out next week *fingers crossed* :-\ and then of course there's the terror that is a broken 360...

Plenty of people probably cannot relate (to the broken xbox), but one of my passions and number one hobbies is playing videogames. The only way I can help someone relate is like this: say if you're a musician (guitarist, pianist, etc.), say your instrument becomes broken in a way that you have to go without it for a couple weeks....you really do not have any output. Sure, there are other things to do (and I am doing them) but nothing quenches your enjoyment like said activity; I could spend hours playing videogames much like a musician could jam for hours on end without knowing it, a fan of some trilogy or TV series could watch for hours on end, an athlete can go shoot hoops or whatever for hours on end, and so on.

ANYWAY, during my loss I haven't done much (watched a ton of TV) and still procrastinated on my room getting cleaned (which I'm going to have to make my mission tomorrow or else it won't get done). I hung out at some pals' place for few days which was awesome and now that I'll be back in Batavia rather than DeKalb, I'll probably be spending more time over there and definitely again this week.

I need to pick up some books to read over the summer as well. I guess I'll be spending more time over at the "Cedar House" (my pals' place) over the next few weeks until my summer shenanigans start.




Anyway, I've been watching 30 days, reading forums, talking philosophy with pals, and other stuff having to do with life...and really it's like all my jumbled thoughts, ideals, or whatever you wanna call them really seem to make more and more sense. There are some things that I wish I had done in the past years, but I think since I'm sorta glad where I am today...I don't really regret anything.

Well I've got church tomorrow and I don't want to be sleeping when my Uncle comes to pick me up in the morning. Just remember that everyone that you come across in your daily life is nothing but human. Drop the labels, quit dehumanizing, and simply care...every human needs to work on that, including me.

Perspective (bias)

So upon reflecting on a play I saw last week (called "Persians"), I was reminded of World War II and so part of this entry will incorporate that, but also will be discussing what people know as "bias" and of course I will probably get off track and talk about who knows what.

Being a student of history, I have needed to come to terms with the word "bias" and force myself to change it to the world "perspective." Why? Because the word bias has a negative connotation forced onto it; however, all things created will have bias, it will reflect the creator. When authors write books they come to the table with their own personal values, ideas, goals, etc. (their perspective on life or whatever). We see this every time we watch the news, read the news, talk to people, even look at the cars they drive or the clothes they wear. Do we all have bias? of course. But it isn't always bad, so I prefer the word perspective (since it prevents possible hostility and supports an open mentality/approach to others' ideas).

Anyway, so in my "education as an application for change" course we discuss many things on a philosophical level and how ideas/things affect schools, education, and life. We will soon discuss war, which is why I went to see this play (it was made mandatory by the professor). Anyway, it presented the aftermath of the Battle of Thermopylae and the grief the Persians must have felt since so many had died. It had the perspective of the Persians and whatever, I'm not interested in the play, but some of the dialogue between what represented "advisors" to Xerxes made me think of WWII, Germany, Hitler, etc. So I looked up some statistics on causalities for each nation.

What I found was pretty interesting since, at least in the states, we are told how important our role was and how we may have aided significantly in ending the war (this is not what I want to talk about, nor formulate an opinion on), but the numbers were rather interesting (I am going off of rough roundings since I do not recall the specifics and do not care to ruin the flow of my rant):

out of the total deaths (near 75 million, I believe) the top 5 nations in terms of deaths was this:

1. Soviet Union with almost 23 million (about 30.5%)
2. China with around 20 million (about 26.5%)
3. Germany with somewhere between 7-8 million (about 10%)
4. Poland with somewhere between 5-6 million (about 8%)
5. Indonesia with around 4 million (about 5%)

totals about 60 million deaths (80%)

After looking at these numbers, I said to myself, "huh. Maybe I should've learned how important the USSR was to stopping the Germans rather than how great the USA is." I mean, sure the USA came in late to "save the day" but honestly if the USSR had not had such fervent resistance against the Nazis. Surely, if it were not for the Proletariat Dictatorship of the "evil communists" the fascists would not have been stopped. This reminds me of that one robot chicken clip (which I will now look for and add the link), it is called lil hitler, and at the end the attitude of the USA is pretty much true. But anyway, without looking at different situations from various angles you miss a lot. Oh and btw the USA lost around 400,000 people.

But yeah...when war is brought to the table I simply say I want no part. I am a pacifist and most certainly refuse to kill another human being. A good movie, albeit old, is a classic Soviet film called, "The Cranes Are Flying."

Anyway, as ironic as it sounds, I gotta go shoot some people on my 360...probably CoD4 campaign. lol. I can still enjoy the fake/romanticized creations of humanity...as long as I do not hold them to be truths. mmmm....video game violence, the best breakfast.

Thanks ahead for any comments or opinions that you're willing to share.



p.s. I, too, think carrots are quite rad.

Wall or A Secret Door?

So I find myself in a mental room where I look around at all the artwork on the wall (depictions of my current choices and options) and rather than reorganize them in a more efficient or pleasing way. I decide to just plop down and stare at my favorite and hope the rest of the room fixes itself.

And in non-methaphorical-land/right now, I am half playing Mass Effect (due to typing) and skimming my assigned readings for history (6 one or two page, dated news articles and two lengthy articles a total some 50 pages via word document standards/defaults). I slept off and on yesterday during the day and late evening and am currently up for the day (have been for a few hours now) and walk to class in about 3 hours from now...this is a more common depiction of my academic life. I realize that I should have done this reading sometime over the weekend or well anytime earlier, but I know that it will be done before class...somehow.

Anyway, the main topic of this blog is not the current, but the future. I have to pick classes for the fall this week, and I haven't seen an advisor (not really an issue as I know how to pick my classes and stuff), but I need to discuss starting the teacher's certification program...my only drawback is that my GPA in my history classes isn't high enough to meet the requirement for the program, leading me to believe that they'd tell me I couldn't start it anyway. Anyway, I've already taken classes which are both normal requirements for the program anyway and also fulfill gen ed & other requirements for graduation. I know I should be starting clinicals soon and in preparation I will be getting my license post 21st birthday this summer (OMG I KNOW!). Also, this fall I will start commuting rather than living near campus, so while getting my license is still needed I feel "dilemma'd" (as I'll term it) towards the fact that I could be starting clinicals perhaps this fall also...but maybe I shouldn't worry about it.

Also, I've noticed something which seems to happen all too often: at a certain point in the academic year grades for classes that I like seem to strengthen and the opposite for those I dislike. Since this semester is/was supposed to be one that overall strengthens my GPA, this worries me. I think if I try to change my habits towards those dropping classes and focus more on them in my free time that I should do better....however I am the King of knowing perfect solutions, but failing to practice them.

As the summer approaches the above seems to climax and then quickly fade, but in doing so, new situations arise, particularly Church related. Sr. Kim asked me to help out with the VBS program during the week of June 9th; this on one hand is a great way for me to help others and grow spiritually, but I may be stressed out still from school and just wanna hangout. Working/helping with the VBS thing would probably be useful experience for my future career as a teacher (even though I'd be working with much older kids than in the VBS program), but I also dislike dealing with kids during the elementary school age (hence my interest in Secondary Education rather than Elementary). It comes down to, on the simplest level, do I be self-less and sacrifice my energy/time to hold up others...or...do I use that time for myself in solitude to rejuvenate myself? The problem with this is that if I choose to help out with this will I be too exhausted for Special Person's Camp and/or other Summer things?

And that leads me to other Church stuff. Leah, a good friend of mine, is co-directing SPC (special person's camp) and would love to have me help her and be there to support her. I love SPC, but it may be the toughest week of my life, each year. I feel like this is one of those things that I say that I'm not sure if I'll do, but inside I kinda know that I will unless something prevents me from doing so.

There's the two conferences: Grove City, where I am being sound assistant (again) & chairman for one of the days. And at CBC, where not only am I the sound guy (again with my dad), but I have a sermon(ette) to give...and it's the 100th anniversary...so it's going to be crazy.

And I have the chance, as I'll probably be asked, to help with teen camp too...so yeah...

...so back to my babbling about artwork and this metaphorical room....What I notice about each picture is that it covers part of the wall that is my current life; I have to ask myself if I choose to keep this picture and hang it up, am I covering just a wall or a secret door?

So it begins

So I have decided to create a blog. Why? Simply as an output a pouring of my mind into text for a better understanding of me.

Why an online blog rather than a personal journal/diary? Well that's also simple. I find that the best way to understand a person or subject is to discuss it and hear another perspective on the issue.

My Blog will be entirely "pure" meaning that I will attempt to do very little (if any) re-editing or organizing of my thoughts.

Whenever something is on my mind it will be blogged. My guess is it will be mostly my thoughts and feeling towards the world as philosophical/abstract ideas are brought to my mind via education or simply a response to something in my life or society.

There are no limits and I hope this is a great educational and bonding experience for us all, but mostly for me.



I hope you all enjoy and will leave me comments and/or feedback and perhaps e-mails or whatever if someone feels it is more private.

With Love,

Seth